My Words

I thought I would ease myself back in with a little explanation as to why I have been rather quiet recently…

Consistency has never been my strong point. I mean the last time I actually pressed the publish icon on one of my posts was the 4th February. Five months have been an gone, I have let myself get wrapped up in the day to day… eat, work, sleep, eat a little bit more, contemplate going to the gym, nap, drink, sleep, repeat (sound familiar?). There is magic in the mundane sometimes; I know that there have been times in my recent history that I have thrived on my relatively new found routine and structure. I have become more accepting of being settled and less resistant to the life I never thought I wanted. That meant that while I was getting caught up in the world of line marking paint (my job), and being mildly swept of my feet by a tall, handsome stranger my writing took a back seat.

I have still been noting things down, typing away when things get a little too much, squirrelling away ideas for a day when I felt it was important to let other people read them. I wish I could just write, edit and post but unfortunately I am very protective over the words I string together. My writing is a truer version of my thoughts, more than what I share in my average day to day conversation, it has more intention and focus. When I have a topic and I dedicate time to formulating sentences and paragraphs my feelings get wrapped up in the placement of an adjective or an attempt at being funny with a well-timed metaphor. It makes be vulnerable, it holds a mirror up to how i’m actually feeling in a way that effects me much more than anything else. It has become the easy option to hide it away just incase I get a bad reaction or someone I know reads it and sees me differently.

However, recently I have become less concerned about my protectionist stance regarding my words. 1. Life is too short to not strive for the things you love and pursue your passions. 2. I am lucky to be in a position to be able to outwardly express my thoughts on things, a right that isn’t freely available around the world. 3. I want to create worthwhile content that means something to someone and means something to me. 4. This is my corner of the internet, my space that gives me a voice in a millennial minefield, it doesn’t have to be perfect or cool or polished, it just has to be mine and something I am proud of.

So I will be writing, to you, for me, about nothing and about everything. Its my words explaining and telling my story, or the stories of a place, person or people. I think thats what I want the essence of wayfaring rambles to be.

True

Late one Friday night, a 23 year old girl lay in her messy childhood bedroom, hair in a top knot, pyjamas on, typing away on a Mac book which due to its temperature should be condemned,  listening to True by Spandau Ballet partially fuelled by white wine. Painted the picture? I know it sounds like something out of a rarely watched, but cult teen rom-com. But this, at present, is me.

Why do I find it hard to write the next line… well Tony Hadley I will tell you why. No one ever really knows whats going to happen or why or how. So many things have happened this week to make me feel all different kinds of things and I need to get them out of my head. I’m not going to pretend this was an extensively planned piece of writing, but sometimes things can’t be ordered or justified they just need to be noted. Documented that on that day and at that time I felt that way. Or whatever tense that last sentence needed to be in to make sense.

I feel angry at the world and how cruel and unfair it can be, how where you are born even in 2017 can be a life or death sentence. How some people can be so blinded by greed and fear that they start to lose their humanity. How they can fundamentally lose sight of what it is that makes us different from them, we should care, we should help those in need, we should stand up in presence and in policy. We can not, and I will not, be crushed by people that have already lost their humanity, have lost what it is to value a human life. I am not going to fear living my life or doing what I feel is right or standing up for what I believe in. I want to be thoughtful, kind and make a difference to other people’s lives both now and in the future when the next generations inherit this planet.

Now if you have stayed with this post thus far I can imagine your thoughts have strayed to… ‘oh my, it started so light and is she really subtly dissing trump and terrorists whilst listening to an 80’s classic’ yes, yes I am. But in other less politically charged news, I felt happy this week about my progress at work and that me and my family are getting on so well. I felt proud of my friends doing good and making positive changes to their own lives and other peoples. I also felt a pang of heartache when seeing an old couple holding hands walking in a super market aisle and maybe just a little sigh at at the sight of heart shaped paraphernalia.

Human’s are strange things, we have this unavoidable nature to not be alone. It is not just romantically or physically alone but the feeling that comes with wondering if you are the only one to be feeling a certain way. It is at that point the millennials, just like me, take to the internet to highlight their profound thoughts… hola! I suppose that is part of the reason I write some self reflecting brain babble on the internet, it is a search, it is unapologetically outwardly looking for some form of confirmation that your part of something bigger.

Apart from this ‘alone but not alone’ ridiculous non problem promblemness I am actually enjoying being a single person at the moment. I am finding a new level of respect for myself. It isn’t that I didn’t respect myself before, but I was definitely disillusioned as to how someone should be treated and feel about themselves in a relationship. So although sometimes its nice to have the confirmation that your not the only one, sometimes being the only one for a while is beneficial for your heart in the long run.

I know, its like an page long stream of contradictory thoughts. It has been an emotionally odd week.

 

And now bed.

 

The Drive-in Dine in

I work in an office. I love food, it’s intrinsically linked to my mood. Lunch time brings me immeasurable happiness.

However in my current job there isn’t really a comfortable place to zone out for a bit and tuck into some grub, without the fear of disturbing someone else with my chewing or Duolingo practice. I’m not a fan of eating at my desk because then I don’t leave my little computer, post-it, desk bubble all day. I’m also known to be a little bit clumsy, and would probably end up spilling something on company property if I remained seated.

So my plan, I hop in my car, crank the tunes like it was 2001, and drive to the Morrison’s car park – adventurous. This is then the part where I sit in my car listen to the radio and tuck in to the delicacies that frequent my lunch box. Chia seed bar anyone?

Or, more recently, pop into the shop and get some chicken pieces and wedges from the friendly boys behind the counter – I am trying to cut down on my intake of wedges but they are so darn cheery, the boys not the wedges.

It occurred to me as I was singing to JP Cooper September Song marginally too loud in the portable lunch spot my car has become, that I can’t be the only one. That’s when I noticed it. I’m part of a cohort. A band of lonely lunch eaters. I glanced around the car park and spotted 6 other’s just like me. Munching on their lunch in the front seat.

Some common car-luncher themes –

  1. The accidental gaze, this is when you realise you have been staring out of the window at someone without even noticing. They are usually the first to notice. Awkward.
  2. The look of pure irritation when a pioneering piece of food breaks free and lands between the chair and the hand brake. Gahh.
  3. The gentle head bob or mouthing of the words to a song.
  4. The inevitable scrolling of social media to feel like your part of the world.
  5. The satisfied smile when you’ve finished the food then the slight disappointment that lunch is nearly over.

If you think about it, it’s a bit like being in a tank, the windscreen and the other windows. No joke, a woman with her family genuinely stopped and stared at me, like it was a one republic reunion, whilst I was trying to locate the spinach leaf that had fallen down my top. After it had taken me a while they walked away, but still shot a casual glance back a tad too often. The leaf was later found when exciting my vehicle.

Anywho, that was my thought of the day. If you are a car luncher I salute you, maybe park next to me sometime and we could form some sort of lunch club.